Coach Taylor, the lead character on the hit NBC drama “Friday Night Lights” was known for giving inspiring speeches when his team was down. But now Wayne Rooney, manager for the D.C. United soccer club has put a unique spin on the trope of the inspirational underdog speech. After a highly disappointing performance in the Eastern Conference, Rooney launched into a rousing “triumph over adversity speech” about having what he described as a “tiny penis.”
“It was very funny and he hoped using personal references would make it look like the speech was from the heart,” an anonymous source told The Sun. However, most of the players failed to understand what Rooney’s sex life had to do with what happened on the field, and the sentiment may have gotten lost. “A few of the young lads were horrified. They don’t share the same British sense of humor.”
That said, according to data published in the British Journal of Urology International, the average flaccid penis is likely considered small—a modest 3.61 inches long and 3.66 inches in girth, compared to 5.16 inches long and 4.59 inches in girth for an erect one. So not only is the average penis a bit smaller than what is portrayed in porn (closer to 8 inches in length and 5 inches in girth), but it’s also more of a chode than you might expect.
Perhaps you might not want to take in all of this information when your team is down after a long losing streak, but in Rooney’s defense, it’s not the worst news. He’s not the first person to ever look at the bright side of having a small willy either. In the past, both PopSugar and Thrillist have attempted to raise awareness about why small dicks are great. Likewise, a 2015 Reddit thread with over 7,500 comments suggests a few benefits as well. And while many of these may be jokes, and others are just bad ideas (“I can use a condom two, sometimes three times by tying it off,” one user writes), there are a few legitimate reasons to celebrate your ADE: Average Dick Energy.
Less Likely to Dip It Into the Toilet Water
It might feel emasculating but there are advantages to sitting when you pee, including emptying your bladder more effectively to reduce the risk of infections and cysts. But one of the downsides of sitting to pee is having your penis dip into the bowl, unless it’s small. Or as goldenpie25 put it, you’re “less likely to touch the germ-ridden bowl when you pee.”
Fewer Awkward Public Boners
“Awkward boners in public won’t be conspicuous,” Xeizar noted. Another user added that this may be the “only real answer” on the thread. And the freedom to wear gym shorts and gray sweatpants in public without fear is something you shouldn’t take for granted.
Finding Other Ways to Please Your Partner
Maybe this is what Rooney was going for when he was talking about his tiny penis, but having size limitations can help you develop other strengths and skills, either on the field or in the bedroom. In other words, if you have a small penis, “You become an expert with your tongue!” Whoneedsyou enthusiastically wrote.
If only a tongue could play soccer, then Rooney’s speech may have worked.
Famously Small Penises
But if all these reasons don’t convince you that size doesn’t matter, here are a few lesser-endowed celebrities who might make you feel better about what you’re working with.
During a 2011 concert in Melbourne, Australia TV years ago, the 47-year-old singer went off script and vulnerably confessed to having, “the smallest penis in the world.” It’s an ironically big claim for a small man, but he didn’t stop there. Iglesias has also expressed ambitions to start his own line of “extra-small” condoms, which we have yet to see on the market. Perhaps they’re just that tiny.
Howard Stern has never been shy about his small penis, and has described himself as “hung like a pimple.” In 1994, the “Private Parts” star told Rolling Stone that, “No guy will ever admit to having a small penis. I just went on the record. I might be one of the smallest guys in the world.” In other words, Stern and Iglesias are due for the smallest pissing contest ever.
Tom Arnold didn’t exactly admit to having a three-inch penis, but his ex wife Roseanne Barr said he did back in 1994 when she appeared on Saturday Night Live shortly after their divorce. Arnold roasted her back, with the comment “What’s small?” he asked. “Hell, even a 747 looks small if it lands in the Grand Canyon.” In his memoir, How I Lost Five Pounds in Six Years, he refers to himself as a “medium” and he’s not talking about seeing dead people.
Not to be outdone by his tiny peened colleagues, the “Jackass” told Rolling Stone back in 2001 “I have a penis like an egg in a nest.” Knoxville’s poetic description didn’t stop there. “It looks like a light switch. Seriously.” However, in 2010 the father of three admitted to further deforming his modest member through his crazy stunts.
“I broke my penis about three years ago trying to back-flip a motorcycle,” he told Vanity Fair. “It’s just like a dog’s chew-toy down there.”
The lesson? No matter how small your penis is, it’s the only one you’ve got and you still have to take care of it.